During a recent interview I was asked if there was a difference between older women/younger men relationships and their opposite, relationships between older men and significantly younger women. For most people the obvious answer has to do with sex, or better sex, or let's get real, out-of-the-box mind boggling great sex (especially if the man is a lot younger). But sex aside, the answer is that in most cases there are other huge differences as well, most of them having to do with the not so insignificant issues of power and equality.
Relationships between older men and much younger women are the patriarchal ideal, what many men, if pressed, would admit they aspire to. These kinds of relationships are based pretty much on the barter system, in which the older man, who has more money and power, exchanges them for (in other words - buys) his bride's youth and beauty. Marriages based on this unspoken agreement have long been some women's easiest way of increasing their economic and social status. Many young women enter this type of relationship believing they will benefit from it, but not all of them do.
When one person is the 'have' and the other is the 'have not' there is inherent potential for resentment on both sides. In sharing his status and his money, the older man of means (the 'have') expects certain functions from his ('have not') wife. And wife is definitely the operative term. If a man in his 40's, for example, gets involved with a young woman in her 20's, it's expected that he will marry and take care of her, though it's not so when the age difference is reversed. The wife's primary duty in this type of arrangement is to fulfill her husband's needs, which takes different forms depending on the particular man. It's her job. If she works she's expected to relocate if his business requires it and to be available to him in other ways. Because he's paying he has the power and he's the one in control. She may have the power to spend $1,000 on an outfit, but if he doesn't like it she might have to return it and buy something he approves of. If she doesn't comply or seeks a fulfilling life of her own which makes her less available, there could be a problem. She runs the risk of being replaced by another woman with fewer personal needs. Some young women find this to be a perfectly satisfying arrangement, especially if they enjoy a life of luxury and can remain compliant.
But these are women for whom personal growth is limited. Certainly they may evolve, but not so much that they threaten their husbands' power. Certainly they may work, but not to the point that they're less able to meet their husbands' needs. If a woman involved in this type of union makes the 'mistake' of growing outside of her imposed boundaries, she tips the scales of the power structure. She threatens the stability of the relationship. She destroys his reason to keep (support/pay for) her; the bargain has been broken and with it, very often, the marriage. When marriages dissolve because of the woman's need to grow, the man will often choose to remarry a woman who makes him feel comfortable, in other words, a less empowered woman. One with not so many needs, wants and ambitions.
We're at a point in time when increasing numbers of women are looking for ways in which they can develop their own powers within relationships based on partnership and equality, something they find much more available in the older woman/younger man dynamic. In the twenty-first century, the idea of a woman giving up her career for a man is perceived as archaic and oppressive. While older men may be threatened by the emerging power and autonomy of their younger wives, a young man who is willing to enter into a serious relationship with an older and already empowered woman, may be someone who has enough personal power and security that makes it acceptable to also have it in a mate. Remember, they've been raised differently and are far more open to a woman-friendly paradigm.
Today, more and more women have their own money, power, status, independence and freedom. When they become involved in a relationship with a significantly younger man, there are no expectations on his part that she will relinquish them; on the contrary it's often part of what has attracted him to her in the first place. Both partners get to hold on to their identity and even, if they so choose, to their own finances. Each couple can choose to carve out their own version of who does what and who is responsible for what. They create their own models of what relationship equality looks like. Just because a couple enjoys cooking together doesn't automatically require them to also share checking or investment accounts.
In an older woman/younger man partnership couples get to find their own way and determine what works for them. It's an exciting opportunity to create a more egalitarian relationship archetype, as different as can be from when the age gap is in the opposite direction.
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