WHEN DID IT BEGIN?

Talking to an old friend recently reminded me of a time, when I was much younger, when my parents were still living and when both of our mothers started to show signs that they were getting older.  Neither of them got up in the morning to jog, go to the gym, lift weights or do any of the things that so many of us take for granted as necessary to keep our own aging at bay.  Don't get me wrong - both of our moms took care of themselves; they colored their hair, ate a lot of vegetables and fiber, bought fashionable clothes, never went out without lipstick on and generally took pride in their appearance.  I remember as a little girl being dragged through Bonwit Teller (my mother's favorite department store) as she examined, touched, tried on and sometimes bought the merchandise.  Sometimes, back home in our apartment, she placed a chair in front of the TV and kicked her arms and legs in the air along with Jack LaLane, but she never actually made it through the entire show because she and I would crack up over the silliness of it all.

When I was a little girl the aging process seemed, to my recollection anyway, to be
about regularity and how many prunes it was necessary to eat in order to achieve it.  Granted, it was a million years ago and there wasn't the knowledge and medical advancements that are available to us today, but there wasn't the desperation either to fend off the inevitable.  Movie stars had facelifts of course, but regular women maybe got their noses fixed at best.  One of my girlfriends got a nose job for her sixteenth birthday, but given the size of her original nose you could see why her parents agreed to it.  But bigger breasts? Brow and chin lifts? Botox and other fillers?  Liposuction?  Butt lifts?  Nobody back then would ever have dreamed of most of what women do routinely today to avoid looking their age. That's not a criticism, by the way.  If I had the money I'm not sure I'd stop at anything to make myself look and feel better, younger, more Barbie-like.  But then I am from the generation that's been brainwashed to believe that showing one's age is worse than actually dying and I'm just wondering when that shift took hold of our collective consciousness.

But other, shall I say more accessible and more life affirming, shifts have taken place as well. For example, older women who haven't married are no longer referred to as old maids.  Women who have chosen not to have children are, for the most part anyway, no longer regarded as freaks.  Older women can very comfortably and happily live alone, live with a man without the pressure to marry him, live with (or marry if that's their choice) a significantly younger man or decide, later in life, to make another woman their life partner. Being shamed for making a non traditional life choice is no longer something most women today - of any age - have to fear.  Hallelujah!  Look at the statistics about who is getting divorced these days: couples over 50, with the majority of these divorces initiated by the women.  We haven't yet achieved the landmark of equal pay for equal work but we have certainly come a lot farther in the area of our right to make choices that, whether anyone else likes or agrees with them, work for us. This is progress.

Now that we are enjoying greater freedom as well as living longer, it might be time to look at some  even more previously unimaginable choices available to older women who have the courage to make them.  Like the one made by  my friend Debbie, who at age 66 decided to give up her home and live a vagabond life that would take her to faraway places around the world, doing whatever jobs were available in exchange for room and board.  At 66!  Now that, in my opinion, is the real definition of a cougar.  An older woman who has the courage, the vision, the willingness to live fearlessly - with or without a younger (or any age) man.  Why limit the definition of 'cougar' to women who partner with significantly younger men?  Is that really an older woman's only recourse to a life outside the box? We all need to expand our vision, to see that there really are new avenues, new options, new vistas and new ways of expressing who we are and who we - even as we age -want to become. That's what COUGARLICIOUS  LIVING is really all about.

DESIGN A UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP

A significant (10 or more years) age difference raises issues  about the degree to which a couple chooses to merge their lives.  When a forty- year- old man becomes involved with a twenty-eight-year-old woman, he is  almost forced to marry her because of the social censure he would face if he didn't.    Even in these more liberated times, he, being seen as the 'adult', the one with more power, experience and money, would be perceived as taking advantage of her innocence and vulnerability if he didn't marry and take care of her. He would likely have to provide her with a home and a sense that her security was in his hands. This becomes even more pronounced if they have children.

The same standard doesn't, however, apply when an older woman and a younger man couple. Men, even at twenty-eight, are not regarded as innocent or vulnerable, and nobody expects that their wives or girlfriends take care of them. Men are perceived as quite capable of fending for themselves, and this fact liberates women in a number of ways. First of all, marriage may or may not be the option of choice and it certainly isn't regarded as a necessity.  Some couples choose to marry while others choose to live together.  Some choose to live apart but get together as often as they can. Some choose to keep separate homes but stay together in one or the other.  The point is that there are more choices available so nobody feels like they're locked into an old archetype that works for some but not for everyone.

So the tables are turned but both the older woman and the younger man get to exercise choices made in accordance with both their needs and desires. Let's face it, if she's fifty-one and he's thirty-four it's likely that she's got more money, more status and more experience than he does. It's also likely that they have significantly different interests. So does their being a couple automatically mean that they have to do everything together? Of course not.  Unlike what more traditional couples expect from one another, age gap couples can choose to savor their time together doing only those things that they both enjoy. Isn't that also true when the age gap is reversed, when he's the older partner? Sometimes it is, but more often than not, as he's the one in control he wants his wife to share his interest and activities (unless there's trouble in the marriage and he wants to escape.)  Still, he's the one usually calling the shots.  

Older women/younger men couples are freer to design their relationship - and every aspect of it - to suit their own needs; they can do what feels right to them.  Not that all couples can't do that, especially today, but old models of what loving, committed relationships look like tend to favor the patriarchal ideal and are hard for many traditional couples to break from. The power of choice is a heady one and the opportunity to design a partnership that empowers both people is definitely one of the perks of living a cougarlicious life!

TOO YOUNG OR SIMPLY TOO WRONG?

There's something very exciting about connecting with a younger man who's obviously all that into you.  He's attentive, appreciative, interested in what you have to say, and he doesn't furtively look at other women while he's with you.  He actually calls you when he says he's going to.  He finds you intriguing rather than intimidating, and he's as physically attracted to you as you are to him.  You suddenly have all kinds of new energy.  You're walking around with a glow that all of your friends have noticed and commented on.  It's a match made in heaven so how could anything possibly go wrong?

Of course you know the answer to that question, but all that great chemistry might have fried your brain slightly, so let me give voice to the reason that you do possess but that you might have temporarily forgotten. Chemistry is a wonderful thing, a gift, but it also makes us crazy and makes us slaves to our hormones.  Perhaps you've already had this conversation with your daughter?

When there's a strong mutual attraction everyone is usually on their best behavior, putting their best foot forward and all those other cliches that have become cliches because they're true.  It's precisely because everything looks and feels so great that you might want to take a moment and reflect on whether or not your younger guy is someone you'll want - or be able to-  keep for the long haul.  The signs are there if you're willing to see them.

Oprah always told us that the love was in the details and this is as true in relationships as it is in dinner party preparations. The details you want to examine are your younger man's behavior.  Does he exhibit any signs of bad behavior?  When men behave badly, women often make excuses for them, particularly if the man is younger.  "He doesn't know any better; nobody's ever told him what's appropriate, " we tell ourselves.  Or, "He's just afraid of commitment," or "He's a different generation and they do things differently."

Wrong.  Bad, unloving, disrespectful behavior should never be  excused.  When a man cares for a woman, no matter the age or the age difference, he shows her that he cares by being courteous and respectful.  No woman, whatever her age, should expect and tolerate less.

Let's face it, some men really are just too young.  Others, unfortunately, are just too wrong.  If your younger man regularly ignores or tramples your boundaries, he's giving you a sign that he may be too wrong.  If he lacks consideration for things that are important to you, if he's narcisistic and involved with his pleasures to the exclusion of yours, you are not dealing with a keeper. You may want to think twice about continuing this relationship.

Other signs of bad, disrespectful behavior include:

* He uses derogatory language when talking about other women.

* He disappears for an entire weekend, doesn't call you, doesn't respond when you call him and tells you - days later - that he couldn't call you because he was busy.

* After you've had sex with him the first time, he doesn't call you the following day.

The problem may not be that he's young; it may be that he's just a certain type of man, one who can't love, can't commit, be honest or be faithful. These are traits that no matter how great the sexual connection are never going to change.

How can you tell if you're involved with a man like this?  There is a reliable formula for determining the type of guy you're dealing with. Men are not telepathic so do NOT expect him to read your mind:

1 - Tell him honestly what you want and need from him.

2 - Observe how he responds.

3 - Based on your observations determine if he is willing and able to meet your needs.

Pay attention to his behavior rather than his words.  When a boundary has been trampled, an insensitive comment made or a hurtful action taken, don't ignore it and then walk around feeling angry, hurt and resentful.  Express your feelings honestly.  Honor your self esteem with the courage to state clearly what you need and expect, and why you feel that way.  Everyone does better with explanations rather than attacks.  Men of every age don't like to be reprimanded, scolded or subjected to manipulative efforts to control - or change - their behavior. Just say what you feel and observe how he responds.  It will provide you with the information you need to know what to do.

HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISM AND JUDGEMENT

If you're an older woman involved with a significantly younger man expect to be judged, talked about, criticized and otherwise informed - sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly - that some people don't like or approve of how you're living your life.  Some people will feel obliged, in fact entitled, to sit in judgement of your choice and to let you know what they think.  "Oh, are you his mother?" is the recognized passive/aggressive form of letting you know you must be a fool for making this choice.  It's nasty, disingenuous,  and always comes from another woman.  Men know you're not his mother; actually so does the woman who's asked the question.  It's just her way of making you feel bad.  "In 10 years when he's -------- years old and you're ------------- years old, he'll leave you for a younger woman" is another way of making you question the choice you've made. Despite the fact that older women/younger men relationships are as viable as any other kind, comments like these are geared to pushing your fear buttons.  People of all ages leave their partners, and do so for a variety of reasons usually having nothing to do with age, but someone is unhappy or threatened by the choice you've made and they simply have to let you know it by making you feel unhappy and threatened.   And so it goes. The more conservative and traditional your world, the harsher will the criticism be.  Older women who make non traditional choices, especially choices not sanctioned by the patriarchy, will often be forced to pay a price for walking their own walk.  Deviating from a traditional path is considered heresy in some circles and must be punished.

We're living in a time when many older women are making a lot of non traditional choices not necessarily having to do with getting involved with a younger man.  The surging divorce rate among couples in their 50's and 60's is more often than not initiated by the women.  Larger than ever before numbers of women are choosing to remain single and to live alone, to face the hazards of the unknown alone rather than continue living the life they've been programmed for if that life is unfulfilling or unsatisfying.  If you are strong enough and have enough self confidence to choose what makes you happy, it helps to  set everyone else free.  But freedom can also be very scary to those who find change, growth and evolution to be uncomfortable and who choose not to go there.  So how to handle other people's judgement?

1 - BECOME AWARE OF ASSUMPTIONS 

"He'll leave you when he sees your wrinkles" "You'll end up alone and miserable" "He's just using you for your money."  Being aware of commonly held assumptions helps us resist the temptation to believe them ourselves.  What other people think affects us.  We may not consciously agree with them, but if they state their case loudly and frequently enough they can make us doubt what we know.  We are all vulnerable to the collective consciousness because it activates our own deepest fears.  Knowing what we're dealing with helps us to actively resist the pressures of tribal thinking.

2 -REASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

If you find yourself the object of judgement and criticism by your friends, take a look at your values.  Are 'friends' who don't support you or your choices the kinds of people you really want in your life? Do your friends care about your happiness or do you make them uncomfortable because you no longer conform to their rules?  Are they merely 'situational' friends - in your life because of a common interest or activity?  Figure out if the benefits of having critical and judgmental friends are worth the effort of trying to win them over.

3 - GIVE REAL FRIENDS AND FAMILY TIME

There will surely be friends and family members who are concerned about your choice of lifestyle, but their intentions are simply to protect you from being hurt.  If you feel that's the case, give them time.  As they observe your happiness in the choice you've made, they'll probably come around eventually and be more accepting.  The people who are not concerned about your happiness and who are threatened by your choice will reveal their attitudes in time.  Be sensitive to those around you, listen to your inner voice, and act accordingly.

4 - HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH

The importance of holding your head high in the face of social censure and criticism can't be overstated.  You have done nothing wrong and nothing for which you should feel ashamed.  The thoughts you harbor about yourself affect the thoughts and judgements of those around you.  If you value yourself and radiate pride about the life you've chosen, others will respond to that energy.  The more you feel secure and confident about your life, the more others will also.

5 - BE DISCREET

Especially if you're an older woman involved with a much younger man, don't share the details of your relationship with people who are judgmental about it.  Information can become ammunition, so bite your tongue about how hot your sex life is.  Be discreet and avoid fueling someone else's jealousy.

6 - CHANGE THE SUBJECT 

If people ask you direct and overly personal questions, switch topics.  You are not obligated to explain or justify anything. "How's that new diet going - have you started it yet?" Turn the attention away from you and onto the person who's interrogating you.

Remember that your real friends want you to be happy.  They may be initially cautious and hesitant about accepting your non traditional choice.  This is understandable.  Give them the time and space to discover how much happier you are and how much better your world has become. The people who really love and care about you will continue to do so in time.

YESTERDAY AND TODAY

Every time I am interviewed I am asked a question that makes me jump back in time to realize how much things have changed in the past 10-15 years.  And also how, in some ways, they really haven't.

In the last century the word cougar referred to a jungle cat.  Older women involved with significantly younger men were considered perverts; their relationships were met with scorn, open disapproval and unabashed criticism.   In the last century (which was only slightly more than a decade ago) people involved in these kinds of relationships were frequently rejected by their friends and families. In fact the same was true for single parent families, gay and lesbian couples and interracial couples.

Times have certainly changed and most of us have evolved.  Today the definition of the word cougar, meaning women who prefer younger men, is the first one people will think of.  From New York City to Honolulu to Hollywood cougars seem to be everywhere.  A social phenomenon once visible only among celebrities, the union of older women and younger men has taken hold of American culture and its attraction is growing exponentially.  From cougar dating sites to TV shows to cougar cruises, the cougar 'lifestyle' has totally captured our imagination and interest, even if in a salacious way.

Contrary to popular opinion, age gap relationships in which the woman is 10+ years older than the man are extremely viable, a lot more common than people realize, and stand as good a chance of succeeding as any other relationship over time.  But the messages that tell women that these relationships can't last, that they're only about sex and therefore temporary, and that men naturally want younger women are still very prevalent, despite all the evidence that disputes them.  If that weren't bad enough, it's also true that many women, often their own worst enemies, are the ones who've bought into this bogus bill of goods.

So although people do immediately associate the word cougar with a woman involved with a younger man, involvement is not exactly the intention of most of the dictionary definitions you'll come across.  Here are some examples of how cougar is defined:

"A middle aged woman who seeks out much younger men for romance or physical intimacy."

"A woman aged 40 years or older who preys on  younger men."

"An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man."

These definitions send a message and it's hardly a benign, not to mention a true, one.  Cougars are predators and how could a predator be part of a loving, long term, committed relationship?  Being older, and therefore less attractive than younger women, these cougars have to hunt the young men down as the men would otherwise never even notice them.  I could go on but you get the point.

The good news is that so many women are smarter than whoever came up with these definitions, and have co-opted the word.  Forget predatory creatures with claws extended, many women in their 30's, 40's and 50's now proudly use the word cougar as a badge of their power, strength, sexuality and freedom to make non-traditional choices not sanctioned by the patriarchy.  Like the word 'bitch' - once hurled at strong women as an insult - 'cougar' can no longer be used against us.  Strong women refer to themselves as bitches, gleefully so, as many older women refer to themselves as cougars.

Empowered women have, throughout recorded history, chosen husbands as well as lovers, from the pool of younger men. The writer Anais Nin was forty four when she became involved with a young man of twenty eight.  They were together until her death thirty years later.  The actress Merle Oberon married a man twenty five years younger, a marriage that lasted until her death. From Colette to Catherine the Great to Helena Rubinstein, history has acknowledged many long lasting and successful unions between older women and much younger men.  Today, the right to make new and different choices - even unconventional ones - is no longer the sole province of the rich, the famous and the beautiful.  It is increasingly available to all women. 

 Powerful women were once - and not all that long ago - the exceptions, the anomalies among the population.  Today they're the norm in many fields, and their numbers are growing.

Change is good.

POWER, EQUALITY AND COUGAR POLITICS

During a recent interview I was asked if there was a difference between older women/younger men relationships and their opposite, relationships between older men and significantly younger women.  For most people the obvious answer has to do with sex, or better sex, or let's get real, out-of-the-box mind boggling great sex (especially if the man is a lot younger).  But sex aside, the answer is that in most cases there are other huge differences as well, most of them having to do with the not so insignificant issues of power and equality. 

Relationships between older men and much younger women are the patriarchal ideal, what many men, if pressed, would admit they aspire to.  These kinds of relationships are based pretty much on the barter system, in which the older man, who has more money and power, exchanges them for (in other words - buys) his bride's youth and beauty.  Marriages based on this unspoken agreement have long been some women's easiest way of increasing their economic and social status.  Many young women enter this type of relationship believing they will benefit from it, but not all of them do.

When one person is the 'have' and the other is the 'have not' there is inherent potential for resentment on both sides.  In sharing his status and his money, the older man of means (the 'have') expects certain functions from his ('have not') wife.  And wife is definitely the operative term.  If a man in his 40's, for example, gets involved with a young woman in her 20's, it's expected that he will marry and take care of her, though it's not so when the age difference is reversed.  The wife's primary duty in this type of arrangement is to fulfill her husband's needs, which takes different forms depending on the particular man.  It's her job.  If she works she's expected to relocate if his business requires it and to be available to him in other ways.  Because he's paying he has the power and he's the one in control.  She may have the power to spend $1,000 on an outfit, but if he doesn't like it she might have to return it and buy something he approves of.  If she doesn't comply or seeks a fulfilling life of her own which makes her less available, there could be a problem.  She runs the risk of being replaced by another woman with fewer personal needs.  Some young women find this to be a perfectly satisfying arrangement, especially if they enjoy a life of luxury and can remain compliant. 

But these are women for whom personal growth is limited.  Certainly they may evolve, but not so much that they threaten their husbands' power.  Certainly they may work, but not to the point that they're less able to meet their husbands' needs.  If a woman involved in this type of union makes the 'mistake' of growing outside of her imposed boundaries, she tips the scales of the power structure.  She threatens the stability of the relationship.  She destroys his reason to keep (support/pay for) her; the bargain has been broken and with it, very often, the marriage.  When marriages dissolve because of the woman's need to grow, the man will often choose to remarry a woman who makes him feel comfortable, in other words, a less empowered woman.  One with not so many needs, wants and ambitions.

We're at a point in time when increasing numbers of women are looking for ways in which they can develop their own powers within relationships based on partnership and equality, something they find much more available in the older woman/younger man dynamic.  In the twenty-first century, the idea of a woman giving up her career for a man is perceived as archaic and oppressive.  While older men may be threatened by the emerging power and autonomy of their younger wives, a young man who is willing to enter into a serious relationship with an older and already empowered woman, may be someone who has enough personal power and security that makes it acceptable to also have it in a mate.  Remember, they've been raised differently and are far more open to a woman-friendly paradigm. 

Today, more and more women have their own money, power, status, independence and freedom. When they become involved in a relationship with a significantly younger man, there are no expectations on his part that she will relinquish them; on the contrary it's often part of what has attracted him to her in the first place.  Both partners get to hold on to their identity and even, if they so choose, to their own finances.  Each couple can choose to carve out their own version of who does what and who is responsible for what.  They create their own models of what relationship equality looks like.  Just because a couple enjoys cooking together doesn't automatically require them to also share checking or investment accounts. 

In an older woman/younger man partnership couples get to find their own way and determine what works for them. It's an exciting opportunity to create a more egalitarian relationship archetype, as different as can be from when the age gap is in the opposite direction. 

WINNERS AND LOSERS... AND COUGARS

My friend Theresa, 44 years old, divorced, no children, smart, ambitious, hardworking, and having just spent a long weekend visiting her mother (who is my age, in her 60's) was frustrated and angry.  We were driving up to Palm Beach looking forward to a day of relaxation, fun, a nice lunch, maybe some shopping, but Theresa was agitated.  Her mother, who is of above average intelligence, but who has never exhibited even marginally good judgement in her choice of men, was currently involved with some practically penniless deadbeat who Theresa believed was clearly  using her mother for money.  Bemoaning her mother's bad taste and willingness to settle rather than be alone, Theresa turned to me and said, "You know, I look at what's out there and what's available to me and I just know I'm going to have to end up like you!"

Huh? Hold on a minute. What did she just say to me?  It took me a moment to get my stomach back out of my throat, but when I finally was able to speak what came out was, "Thanks a lot. I may not have everything I want, and there are things I'm clearly struggling with, but I really don't think that my life is all that pathetic!"  Dear God, why would she say something like that to me?  Am I really that much of a loser, someone else's worst nightmare of what life has to offer a woman who doesn't happen to be married or have children?  Should I kill myself now, after lunch, or what?   Is it pointless to even bother trying to get through another day?  I  made a mental note of how I would get my dog, Oliver, shipped off to my friend in St. Petersburg so he'd be properly taken care of before I took the plunge and ended this horror of an existence. 

"NO,NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, FELICIA!!!" She was yelling at me, "no, you don't get it, ending up like you is the GOOD NEWS!!!  My mother and many other women of her generation are the ones who did what their culture told them to do.  For some of them, like my mom, real choices didn't even exist.  They were programmed to function in a certain way and so they did.  My mother's friends think I'm out of the norm because I'm not like them but I look at their lives today and see them as examples of how I don't want to end up.  You, on the other hand, are my role model of what I can have and be when I'm your age.  I can choose to not get married or have children if I haven't found the right man to do that with.  I can choose to have a career doing what I'm good at and what I enjoy.  And I can choose to eat healthfully and exercise so that at your age I can still have the energy to live life to its fullest and recognize that new options and opportunities still do exist no matter your chronological age.  Felicia, isn't that the real definition of a cougar? Isn't that an important part of what you are writing about when you write about cougars?  Isn't being a cougar so much more than just wanting younger men?  Isn't it about everything we're always talking about?"

Damn right it is.  A recent US News & World Report article told us that divorces among older Americans are surging.  Researchers report that the divorce rate among Americans 50+ years old had doubled between 1990 and 2009: "The doubling trend held up among those over age 65 as well as among younger boomers."  And from my own book, OLDER WOMEN/YOUNGER MEN:  New Options for Love and Romance, published in 2000 there's, "One of the ways we know that women are beginning to see themselves as multifaceted individuals... is because more and more older women are leaving the security and comfort of their long-term marriages to live life in a more honest, autonomous way."  It bears repeating: statistics confirm that it's more  often the women who are choosing to leave.

Some women of my generation lived the life they were programmed for and it worked out very well for them. They married loving, successful husbands,  had smart, successful children and even found success in their own careers, if they chose to have careers.  We were the generation that came up during the modern women's movement, the women of whom the actor John Wayne once said, "They have a right to work wherever they want to - as long as they have dinner ready when you get home."  We can recall a time when whether or not to work outside the home actually was a choice and we can also recall the time, prior to 1972, when we couldn't get a credit card without our husbands or fathers co-signing for them.

Some women were lucky that way, but it certainly wasn't so for everyone.  Many other women were financially dependent on their husbands, but their husbands' lack of kindness, generosity or sensitivity created a family unit based on female servitude, indebtedness and powerlessness.  Many of these women sacrificed their happiness, often for the sake of their children, and quietly accepted their prescribed roles.  The quality of some of their lives was compromised by the same system that offered others great joy and contentment. 

I know for a fact that my not having married a doctor, not having children and not having ended up living in Scarsdale (or someplace just like it) was a huge disappointment to my family, practically a scandal.  But it  wasn't the direction my life took and I was dysfunctional enough to go with the flow rather than take hold of the wheel and control the journey (which I wouldn't have known how to do anyway).  I made some poor choices in my youth but managed, somehow, to learn from them and move on to others, some good, some not so much.  I used to feel shame for not having lived the life I was programmed for; today I see it as a badge I can wear proudly.  Who but a true cougar would look at turning 60 and decide to have an adventure by taking a teaching job in China? 

Fortunately we really are never too old to learn something new, as I did on that little road trip.  The increasing numbers of women choosing to face the hazards of the unknown in a more authentic way rather than according to what they've been programmed for are clearly today's lifestyle pioneers, and it's what my friend saw when she looked at me.  So yes, my sweet friend Theresa, it is a very important part of the whole cougar thing and another dimension of what I will be continuing to write about. Thank you for reminding me, for giving me a mirror that reflects back what a winner really looks like.

Whew! Oliver will be so relieved...

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