YESTERDAY AND TODAY

Every time I am interviewed I am asked a question that makes me jump back in time to realize how much things have changed in the past 10-15 years.  And also how, in some ways, they really haven't.

In the last century the word cougar referred to a jungle cat.  Older women involved with significantly younger men were considered perverts; their relationships were met with scorn, open disapproval and unabashed criticism.   In the last century (which was only slightly more than a decade ago) people involved in these kinds of relationships were frequently rejected by their friends and families. In fact the same was true for single parent families, gay and lesbian couples and interracial couples.

Times have certainly changed and most of us have evolved.  Today the definition of the word cougar, meaning women who prefer younger men, is the first one people will think of.  From New York City to Honolulu to Hollywood cougars seem to be everywhere.  A social phenomenon once visible only among celebrities, the union of older women and younger men has taken hold of American culture and its attraction is growing exponentially.  From cougar dating sites to TV shows to cougar cruises, the cougar 'lifestyle' has totally captured our imagination and interest, even if in a salacious way.

Contrary to popular opinion, age gap relationships in which the woman is 10+ years older than the man are extremely viable, a lot more common than people realize, and stand as good a chance of succeeding as any other relationship over time.  But the messages that tell women that these relationships can't last, that they're only about sex and therefore temporary, and that men naturally want younger women are still very prevalent, despite all the evidence that disputes them.  If that weren't bad enough, it's also true that many women, often their own worst enemies, are the ones who've bought into this bogus bill of goods.

So although people do immediately associate the word cougar with a woman involved with a younger man, involvement is not exactly the intention of most of the dictionary definitions you'll come across.  Here are some examples of how cougar is defined:

"A middle aged woman who seeks out much younger men for romance or physical intimacy."

"A woman aged 40 years or older who preys on  younger men."

"An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man."

These definitions send a message and it's hardly a benign, not to mention a true, one.  Cougars are predators and how could a predator be part of a loving, long term, committed relationship?  Being older, and therefore less attractive than younger women, these cougars have to hunt the young men down as the men would otherwise never even notice them.  I could go on but you get the point.

The good news is that so many women are smarter than whoever came up with these definitions, and have co-opted the word.  Forget predatory creatures with claws extended, many women in their 30's, 40's and 50's now proudly use the word cougar as a badge of their power, strength, sexuality and freedom to make non-traditional choices not sanctioned by the patriarchy.  Like the word 'bitch' - once hurled at strong women as an insult - 'cougar' can no longer be used against us.  Strong women refer to themselves as bitches, gleefully so, as many older women refer to themselves as cougars.

Empowered women have, throughout recorded history, chosen husbands as well as lovers, from the pool of younger men. The writer Anais Nin was forty four when she became involved with a young man of twenty eight.  They were together until her death thirty years later.  The actress Merle Oberon married a man twenty five years younger, a marriage that lasted until her death. From Colette to Catherine the Great to Helena Rubinstein, history has acknowledged many long lasting and successful unions between older women and much younger men.  Today, the right to make new and different choices - even unconventional ones - is no longer the sole province of the rich, the famous and the beautiful.  It is increasingly available to all women. 

 Powerful women were once - and not all that long ago - the exceptions, the anomalies among the population.  Today they're the norm in many fields, and their numbers are growing.

Change is good.

POWER, EQUALITY AND COUGAR POLITICS

During a recent interview I was asked if there was a difference between older women/younger men relationships and their opposite, relationships between older men and significantly younger women.  For most people the obvious answer has to do with sex, or better sex, or let's get real, out-of-the-box mind boggling great sex (especially if the man is a lot younger).  But sex aside, the answer is that in most cases there are other huge differences as well, most of them having to do with the not so insignificant issues of power and equality. 

Relationships between older men and much younger women are the patriarchal ideal, what many men, if pressed, would admit they aspire to.  These kinds of relationships are based pretty much on the barter system, in which the older man, who has more money and power, exchanges them for (in other words - buys) his bride's youth and beauty.  Marriages based on this unspoken agreement have long been some women's easiest way of increasing their economic and social status.  Many young women enter this type of relationship believing they will benefit from it, but not all of them do.

When one person is the 'have' and the other is the 'have not' there is inherent potential for resentment on both sides.  In sharing his status and his money, the older man of means (the 'have') expects certain functions from his ('have not') wife.  And wife is definitely the operative term.  If a man in his 40's, for example, gets involved with a young woman in her 20's, it's expected that he will marry and take care of her, though it's not so when the age difference is reversed.  The wife's primary duty in this type of arrangement is to fulfill her husband's needs, which takes different forms depending on the particular man.  It's her job.  If she works she's expected to relocate if his business requires it and to be available to him in other ways.  Because he's paying he has the power and he's the one in control.  She may have the power to spend $1,000 on an outfit, but if he doesn't like it she might have to return it and buy something he approves of.  If she doesn't comply or seeks a fulfilling life of her own which makes her less available, there could be a problem.  She runs the risk of being replaced by another woman with fewer personal needs.  Some young women find this to be a perfectly satisfying arrangement, especially if they enjoy a life of luxury and can remain compliant. 

But these are women for whom personal growth is limited.  Certainly they may evolve, but not so much that they threaten their husbands' power.  Certainly they may work, but not to the point that they're less able to meet their husbands' needs.  If a woman involved in this type of union makes the 'mistake' of growing outside of her imposed boundaries, she tips the scales of the power structure.  She threatens the stability of the relationship.  She destroys his reason to keep (support/pay for) her; the bargain has been broken and with it, very often, the marriage.  When marriages dissolve because of the woman's need to grow, the man will often choose to remarry a woman who makes him feel comfortable, in other words, a less empowered woman.  One with not so many needs, wants and ambitions.

We're at a point in time when increasing numbers of women are looking for ways in which they can develop their own powers within relationships based on partnership and equality, something they find much more available in the older woman/younger man dynamic.  In the twenty-first century, the idea of a woman giving up her career for a man is perceived as archaic and oppressive.  While older men may be threatened by the emerging power and autonomy of their younger wives, a young man who is willing to enter into a serious relationship with an older and already empowered woman, may be someone who has enough personal power and security that makes it acceptable to also have it in a mate.  Remember, they've been raised differently and are far more open to a woman-friendly paradigm. 

Today, more and more women have their own money, power, status, independence and freedom. When they become involved in a relationship with a significantly younger man, there are no expectations on his part that she will relinquish them; on the contrary it's often part of what has attracted him to her in the first place.  Both partners get to hold on to their identity and even, if they so choose, to their own finances.  Each couple can choose to carve out their own version of who does what and who is responsible for what.  They create their own models of what relationship equality looks like.  Just because a couple enjoys cooking together doesn't automatically require them to also share checking or investment accounts. 

In an older woman/younger man partnership couples get to find their own way and determine what works for them. It's an exciting opportunity to create a more egalitarian relationship archetype, as different as can be from when the age gap is in the opposite direction. 

WINNERS AND LOSERS... AND COUGARS

My friend Theresa, 44 years old, divorced, no children, smart, ambitious, hardworking, and having just spent a long weekend visiting her mother (who is my age, in her 60's) was frustrated and angry.  We were driving up to Palm Beach looking forward to a day of relaxation, fun, a nice lunch, maybe some shopping, but Theresa was agitated.  Her mother, who is of above average intelligence, but who has never exhibited even marginally good judgement in her choice of men, was currently involved with some practically penniless deadbeat who Theresa believed was clearly  using her mother for money.  Bemoaning her mother's bad taste and willingness to settle rather than be alone, Theresa turned to me and said, "You know, I look at what's out there and what's available to me and I just know I'm going to have to end up like you!"

Huh? Hold on a minute. What did she just say to me?  It took me a moment to get my stomach back out of my throat, but when I finally was able to speak what came out was, "Thanks a lot. I may not have everything I want, and there are things I'm clearly struggling with, but I really don't think that my life is all that pathetic!"  Dear God, why would she say something like that to me?  Am I really that much of a loser, someone else's worst nightmare of what life has to offer a woman who doesn't happen to be married or have children?  Should I kill myself now, after lunch, or what?   Is it pointless to even bother trying to get through another day?  I  made a mental note of how I would get my dog, Oliver, shipped off to my friend in St. Petersburg so he'd be properly taken care of before I took the plunge and ended this horror of an existence. 

"NO,NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, FELICIA!!!" She was yelling at me, "no, you don't get it, ending up like you is the GOOD NEWS!!!  My mother and many other women of her generation are the ones who did what their culture told them to do.  For some of them, like my mom, real choices didn't even exist.  They were programmed to function in a certain way and so they did.  My mother's friends think I'm out of the norm because I'm not like them but I look at their lives today and see them as examples of how I don't want to end up.  You, on the other hand, are my role model of what I can have and be when I'm your age.  I can choose to not get married or have children if I haven't found the right man to do that with.  I can choose to have a career doing what I'm good at and what I enjoy.  And I can choose to eat healthfully and exercise so that at your age I can still have the energy to live life to its fullest and recognize that new options and opportunities still do exist no matter your chronological age.  Felicia, isn't that the real definition of a cougar? Isn't that an important part of what you are writing about when you write about cougars?  Isn't being a cougar so much more than just wanting younger men?  Isn't it about everything we're always talking about?"

Damn right it is.  A recent US News & World Report article told us that divorces among older Americans are surging.  Researchers report that the divorce rate among Americans 50+ years old had doubled between 1990 and 2009: "The doubling trend held up among those over age 65 as well as among younger boomers."  And from my own book, OLDER WOMEN/YOUNGER MEN:  New Options for Love and Romance, published in 2000 there's, "One of the ways we know that women are beginning to see themselves as multifaceted individuals... is because more and more older women are leaving the security and comfort of their long-term marriages to live life in a more honest, autonomous way."  It bears repeating: statistics confirm that it's more  often the women who are choosing to leave.

Some women of my generation lived the life they were programmed for and it worked out very well for them. They married loving, successful husbands,  had smart, successful children and even found success in their own careers, if they chose to have careers.  We were the generation that came up during the modern women's movement, the women of whom the actor John Wayne once said, "They have a right to work wherever they want to - as long as they have dinner ready when you get home."  We can recall a time when whether or not to work outside the home actually was a choice and we can also recall the time, prior to 1972, when we couldn't get a credit card without our husbands or fathers co-signing for them.

Some women were lucky that way, but it certainly wasn't so for everyone.  Many other women were financially dependent on their husbands, but their husbands' lack of kindness, generosity or sensitivity created a family unit based on female servitude, indebtedness and powerlessness.  Many of these women sacrificed their happiness, often for the sake of their children, and quietly accepted their prescribed roles.  The quality of some of their lives was compromised by the same system that offered others great joy and contentment. 

I know for a fact that my not having married a doctor, not having children and not having ended up living in Scarsdale (or someplace just like it) was a huge disappointment to my family, practically a scandal.  But it  wasn't the direction my life took and I was dysfunctional enough to go with the flow rather than take hold of the wheel and control the journey (which I wouldn't have known how to do anyway).  I made some poor choices in my youth but managed, somehow, to learn from them and move on to others, some good, some not so much.  I used to feel shame for not having lived the life I was programmed for; today I see it as a badge I can wear proudly.  Who but a true cougar would look at turning 60 and decide to have an adventure by taking a teaching job in China? 

Fortunately we really are never too old to learn something new, as I did on that little road trip.  The increasing numbers of women choosing to face the hazards of the unknown in a more authentic way rather than according to what they've been programmed for are clearly today's lifestyle pioneers, and it's what my friend saw when she looked at me.  So yes, my sweet friend Theresa, it is a very important part of the whole cougar thing and another dimension of what I will be continuing to write about. Thank you for reminding me, for giving me a mirror that reflects back what a winner really looks like.

Whew! Oliver will be so relieved...

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