IT'S NEVER ABOUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE

There's a woman I'd known more than 30 years ago, with whom I've had no contact at all but she has recently come back into my awareness because of a mutual friend who is still close to her.  The woman's name is Ulla (Scandinavian) and what I remember about her is how beautiful and brilliant she was.  Slender, lithe, blonde, she was a full professor at the prestigious institute where she taught. She's the same age as me but we were never really friends.  I was, even back then, involved with a man younger than I was, and embarrassed about it, ashamed even - remember thirty years ago older women/younger men relationships were still taboo, shameful, furtive, perceived as sort of perverted by the general population.

Ulla was the only other woman I'd ever known in those days who also had a much younger boyfriend; not just younger but a blue collar guy to boot.  She was a full professor.  Nobody did that then, nobody.  I kept my relationship closeted outside of my small circle of close friends. I didn't want my employer or the people I worked with to know about it.  I had a fairly public job back then and I really did fear that I might lose it should my shameful secret be exposed.  You can laugh and call me a  cowardly wimp (I'll cop to it) but unless you were in my shoes you don't know or just don't remember how bad the stigma was.  But Ulla could care less about what the world thought.  He was her guy and he was good to her and that was that. She paraded him around openly and proudly and screw anybody who didn't like it.  She was awesome.

Fast forward thirty-something years. Time and age have not been kind to Ulla.  I understand from our mutual friend that she's been ill and her illness has taken its toll on her physical body. I heard that she looks and carries herself like someone in their 90's.  Very sad, especially for someone who I remember to be so strong and vital and altogether lovely.  I guess we all were back then.  But here's the interesting news: that younger boyfriend of hers is still there, still committed to her, still helping to take care of her and trying to ensure her needs are met.  They never married and don't live together anymore but he's still there, making sure repairs are done around her house and that there's food in her fridge and that she isn't alone.  He still loves her, obviously.  

It's easy enough, I suppose, to point to Demi and Ashton or Madonna and Guy and say that older woman/younger man relationships don't work - or don't last.  But if you're ever tempted to think that remember the case of writer Anais Nin who, at the age of 44 became involved with a man of 28.  They were together until her death 30 years later. There's actually a very long list of famous couples who've managed to stay together despite the age difference as well as the pressures that fame inevitably brings, a list I won't bother to itemize here.  Suffice it to say that some relationships last and some don't - but in the case of those that don't work out - it is for a variety of reasons  never having to do with the fact that she's older than he is.  NEVER...

21st CENTURY COUGAR

     Did cougars exist way back in the 20th century?  I know the term 'cougar' (meaning an older woman who actively pursues much younger men as opposed to a jungle cat) did not. The word got its meaning after the publication of a book by that name, and that book was published about a year after mine was (my book OLDER WOMEN/YOUNGER MEN came out in 2000.)

     If cougars did exist (and I suppose they must have) I had never met one.  I knew women who, like myself, were in relationships with younger men, but I had never met a woman who did the pursuing. Au contraire - the litany that I'd heard repeatedly from women was about how it took them a while to pick up on the fact that the younger guy was actually interested in them, "I thought he was just being polite."  Surprise!  Just a couple of weeks ago I had dinner with some friends and one woman, in her mid 60's, had us all in hysterics as she described the affair she'd had with a younger man after her husband's death.  No matter how obvious his overtures were she remained pretty much clueless until she found herself in bed with the guy and realized why he had been so nice to her. I laughed because her story as well as her delivery were very funny, but I was hardly surprised.  It was a variation of a theme I'd heard many times before.

     Much has changed since the turn of the century (13 years ago, can you believe it?)  Women have become much more aggressive than I remember and cougars seem to be everywhere.  There was a TV show recently that featured a woman in her 70's proudly showing off her twenty-something lover.  To be honest with you it kind of creeped me out. Yuk.  All that episode proved was, as my friend Theresa so delicately put it, 'that some men just don't care who they f.....'   But, if they're happy, who am I to judge?  Still...

     In any event, it is the 21st century and some things having to do with relationships between older women and significantly younger men have changed, while others have stayed the same.  Of course the key word here is 'relationships.'  While it's likely that any woman, of any age, and in any shape, can find a younger man with whom to have sex, who cares? Is that really what being a cougar is all about? I don't think so.

     The woman who had us laughing as she told us her story over dinner told us something else that's as relevant today as it was at the time her affair took place.  She and her younger man  had a great relationship.  They were crazy about each other, enjoyed each other's company and couldn't spend enough time  together.  Their sex life was evidently one for the record books.  But the relationship ended.  She ended it.  Why?  Because the age difference was such that she just couldn't trust him to stay. 

20th century tribal mentality told us that as soon as he saw our wrinkles and crows feet he would bail, run off, leave us for a younger model. The belief that youth and beauty are our only real assets is one that we should have discarded during this new millennium, but many of us obviously haven't.  It's a tough one to let go, so ingrained into a woman's DNA, and for such a very long time.  I'd like to think that older women who partner with significantly younger men today have moved beyond this (mental) obstacle, but I'm not so sure they have.  

In my book I asked readers to remember three little words the next time they thought that youth and beauty determined their worth:

Camilla Parker Bowles.  While not a younger man, in the world of trophy men Prince Charles ranked pretty high.  He had a very young and beautiful wife, but abandoned her because of his love for an older woman who, even in her youth, was no beauty. Their union remains a happy one, even to this day. 

So if you want to be a cougar it's high time to rise above your societal indoctrination.  If you've found a great younger man and your relationship works today, live fearlessly and trust that whether it lasts or it doesn't - the age difference is probably not at all part of the reason why.