DESIGN A UNIQUE RELATIONSHIP

A significant (10 or more years) age difference raises issues  about the degree to which a couple chooses to merge their lives.  When a forty- year- old man becomes involved with a twenty-eight-year-old woman, he is  almost forced to marry her because of the social censure he would face if he didn't.    Even in these more liberated times, he, being seen as the 'adult', the one with more power, experience and money, would be perceived as taking advantage of her innocence and vulnerability if he didn't marry and take care of her. He would likely have to provide her with a home and a sense that her security was in his hands. This becomes even more pronounced if they have children.

The same standard doesn't, however, apply when an older woman and a younger man couple. Men, even at twenty-eight, are not regarded as innocent or vulnerable, and nobody expects that their wives or girlfriends take care of them. Men are perceived as quite capable of fending for themselves, and this fact liberates women in a number of ways. First of all, marriage may or may not be the option of choice and it certainly isn't regarded as a necessity.  Some couples choose to marry while others choose to live together.  Some choose to live apart but get together as often as they can. Some choose to keep separate homes but stay together in one or the other.  The point is that there are more choices available so nobody feels like they're locked into an old archetype that works for some but not for everyone.

So the tables are turned but both the older woman and the younger man get to exercise choices made in accordance with both their needs and desires. Let's face it, if she's fifty-one and he's thirty-four it's likely that she's got more money, more status and more experience than he does. It's also likely that they have significantly different interests. So does their being a couple automatically mean that they have to do everything together? Of course not.  Unlike what more traditional couples expect from one another, age gap couples can choose to savor their time together doing only those things that they both enjoy. Isn't that also true when the age gap is reversed, when he's the older partner? Sometimes it is, but more often than not, as he's the one in control he wants his wife to share his interest and activities (unless there's trouble in the marriage and he wants to escape.)  Still, he's the one usually calling the shots.  

Older women/younger men couples are freer to design their relationship - and every aspect of it - to suit their own needs; they can do what feels right to them.  Not that all couples can't do that, especially today, but old models of what loving, committed relationships look like tend to favor the patriarchal ideal and are hard for many traditional couples to break from. The power of choice is a heady one and the opportunity to design a partnership that empowers both people is definitely one of the perks of living a cougarlicious life!

TOO YOUNG OR SIMPLY TOO WRONG?

There's something very exciting about connecting with a younger man who's obviously all that into you.  He's attentive, appreciative, interested in what you have to say, and he doesn't furtively look at other women while he's with you.  He actually calls you when he says he's going to.  He finds you intriguing rather than intimidating, and he's as physically attracted to you as you are to him.  You suddenly have all kinds of new energy.  You're walking around with a glow that all of your friends have noticed and commented on.  It's a match made in heaven so how could anything possibly go wrong?

Of course you know the answer to that question, but all that great chemistry might have fried your brain slightly, so let me give voice to the reason that you do possess but that you might have temporarily forgotten. Chemistry is a wonderful thing, a gift, but it also makes us crazy and makes us slaves to our hormones.  Perhaps you've already had this conversation with your daughter?

When there's a strong mutual attraction everyone is usually on their best behavior, putting their best foot forward and all those other cliches that have become cliches because they're true.  It's precisely because everything looks and feels so great that you might want to take a moment and reflect on whether or not your younger guy is someone you'll want - or be able to-  keep for the long haul.  The signs are there if you're willing to see them.

Oprah always told us that the love was in the details and this is as true in relationships as it is in dinner party preparations. The details you want to examine are your younger man's behavior.  Does he exhibit any signs of bad behavior?  When men behave badly, women often make excuses for them, particularly if the man is younger.  "He doesn't know any better; nobody's ever told him what's appropriate, " we tell ourselves.  Or, "He's just afraid of commitment," or "He's a different generation and they do things differently."

Wrong.  Bad, unloving, disrespectful behavior should never be  excused.  When a man cares for a woman, no matter the age or the age difference, he shows her that he cares by being courteous and respectful.  No woman, whatever her age, should expect and tolerate less.

Let's face it, some men really are just too young.  Others, unfortunately, are just too wrong.  If your younger man regularly ignores or tramples your boundaries, he's giving you a sign that he may be too wrong.  If he lacks consideration for things that are important to you, if he's narcisistic and involved with his pleasures to the exclusion of yours, you are not dealing with a keeper. You may want to think twice about continuing this relationship.

Other signs of bad, disrespectful behavior include:

* He uses derogatory language when talking about other women.

* He disappears for an entire weekend, doesn't call you, doesn't respond when you call him and tells you - days later - that he couldn't call you because he was busy.

* After you've had sex with him the first time, he doesn't call you the following day.

The problem may not be that he's young; it may be that he's just a certain type of man, one who can't love, can't commit, be honest or be faithful. These are traits that no matter how great the sexual connection are never going to change.

How can you tell if you're involved with a man like this?  There is a reliable formula for determining the type of guy you're dealing with. Men are not telepathic so do NOT expect him to read your mind:

1 - Tell him honestly what you want and need from him.

2 - Observe how he responds.

3 - Based on your observations determine if he is willing and able to meet your needs.

Pay attention to his behavior rather than his words.  When a boundary has been trampled, an insensitive comment made or a hurtful action taken, don't ignore it and then walk around feeling angry, hurt and resentful.  Express your feelings honestly.  Honor your self esteem with the courage to state clearly what you need and expect, and why you feel that way.  Everyone does better with explanations rather than attacks.  Men of every age don't like to be reprimanded, scolded or subjected to manipulative efforts to control - or change - their behavior. Just say what you feel and observe how he responds.  It will provide you with the information you need to know what to do.

HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISM AND JUDGEMENT

If you're an older woman involved with a significantly younger man expect to be judged, talked about, criticized and otherwise informed - sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly - that some people don't like or approve of how you're living your life.  Some people will feel obliged, in fact entitled, to sit in judgement of your choice and to let you know what they think.  "Oh, are you his mother?" is the recognized passive/aggressive form of letting you know you must be a fool for making this choice.  It's nasty, disingenuous,  and always comes from another woman.  Men know you're not his mother; actually so does the woman who's asked the question.  It's just her way of making you feel bad.  "In 10 years when he's -------- years old and you're ------------- years old, he'll leave you for a younger woman" is another way of making you question the choice you've made. Despite the fact that older women/younger men relationships are as viable as any other kind, comments like these are geared to pushing your fear buttons.  People of all ages leave their partners, and do so for a variety of reasons usually having nothing to do with age, but someone is unhappy or threatened by the choice you've made and they simply have to let you know it by making you feel unhappy and threatened.   And so it goes. The more conservative and traditional your world, the harsher will the criticism be.  Older women who make non traditional choices, especially choices not sanctioned by the patriarchy, will often be forced to pay a price for walking their own walk.  Deviating from a traditional path is considered heresy in some circles and must be punished.

We're living in a time when many older women are making a lot of non traditional choices not necessarily having to do with getting involved with a younger man.  The surging divorce rate among couples in their 50's and 60's is more often than not initiated by the women.  Larger than ever before numbers of women are choosing to remain single and to live alone, to face the hazards of the unknown alone rather than continue living the life they've been programmed for if that life is unfulfilling or unsatisfying.  If you are strong enough and have enough self confidence to choose what makes you happy, it helps to  set everyone else free.  But freedom can also be very scary to those who find change, growth and evolution to be uncomfortable and who choose not to go there.  So how to handle other people's judgement?

1 - BECOME AWARE OF ASSUMPTIONS 

"He'll leave you when he sees your wrinkles" "You'll end up alone and miserable" "He's just using you for your money."  Being aware of commonly held assumptions helps us resist the temptation to believe them ourselves.  What other people think affects us.  We may not consciously agree with them, but if they state their case loudly and frequently enough they can make us doubt what we know.  We are all vulnerable to the collective consciousness because it activates our own deepest fears.  Knowing what we're dealing with helps us to actively resist the pressures of tribal thinking.

2 -REASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

If you find yourself the object of judgement and criticism by your friends, take a look at your values.  Are 'friends' who don't support you or your choices the kinds of people you really want in your life? Do your friends care about your happiness or do you make them uncomfortable because you no longer conform to their rules?  Are they merely 'situational' friends - in your life because of a common interest or activity?  Figure out if the benefits of having critical and judgmental friends are worth the effort of trying to win them over.

3 - GIVE REAL FRIENDS AND FAMILY TIME

There will surely be friends and family members who are concerned about your choice of lifestyle, but their intentions are simply to protect you from being hurt.  If you feel that's the case, give them time.  As they observe your happiness in the choice you've made, they'll probably come around eventually and be more accepting.  The people who are not concerned about your happiness and who are threatened by your choice will reveal their attitudes in time.  Be sensitive to those around you, listen to your inner voice, and act accordingly.

4 - HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH

The importance of holding your head high in the face of social censure and criticism can't be overstated.  You have done nothing wrong and nothing for which you should feel ashamed.  The thoughts you harbor about yourself affect the thoughts and judgements of those around you.  If you value yourself and radiate pride about the life you've chosen, others will respond to that energy.  The more you feel secure and confident about your life, the more others will also.

5 - BE DISCREET

Especially if you're an older woman involved with a much younger man, don't share the details of your relationship with people who are judgmental about it.  Information can become ammunition, so bite your tongue about how hot your sex life is.  Be discreet and avoid fueling someone else's jealousy.

6 - CHANGE THE SUBJECT 

If people ask you direct and overly personal questions, switch topics.  You are not obligated to explain or justify anything. "How's that new diet going - have you started it yet?" Turn the attention away from you and onto the person who's interrogating you.

Remember that your real friends want you to be happy.  They may be initially cautious and hesitant about accepting your non traditional choice.  This is understandable.  Give them the time and space to discover how much happier you are and how much better your world has become. The people who really love and care about you will continue to do so in time.